"Dance Moms: Revenge of the Candy Apples" Recap

Last night’s episode of “Dance Moms” was traumatic, to say the least. There was so much yelling, too much cursing and not enough dancing from those talented kids we adore. But as always, we’re not here to complain about Crazy Christi (um, Chloe got a solo and that still wasn’t good enough for Christi, but OK) or Even Crazier Cathy (why are the Candy Apples still a part of this show, again?). We’re here to highlight the few things that were actually kind of awesome.

Here are the Top 5 Moments from “Revenge of the Candy Apples”:

5. Maddie keeps her cool.
This poor kid is constantly being put in awkward situations. She’s talented, and yet she’s always faulted for it. The other mothers hate her, and she remains modest. This week, Abby forced her to do a solo, all in the name of beating Justice The Candy Apple Kid at Starbound. Maddie’s mom refused to let her perform—considering it was the night before competition and she didn’t even have a routine prepared—but Abby pushed on. Still, Maddie was poised and professional and didn’t end up taking the stage with a solo. Keep it up, kid. Stay strong.

4. Chloe’s hair.
Whether she’s rocking her signature braids or her hair is all blown-out for her camera interviews, this girl has some seriously shiny locks. Since there was very little dancing in this week’s episode, I am awarding a top spot in my own pyramid to Chloe’s hair. It’s fair.

3. “Straight legs and stretched feet will never go out of style.”
Abby said something that I agree with! Abby was at her most crazy this week, and I did my fair share of cringing throughout the episode. She cared far too much about winning, she attacked Chloe and blamed her for the team not getting the “clean sweep” she was after, and the way she acts in front of her kids when she’s around Cathy is just…awful. But she’s right about one thing: Straight legs and stretched feet are just divine.

2. Kendall and Mackenzie’s duet.
Now we all know Mackenzie can do no wrong in life, and this week’s addition of a polka-dotted two-piece costume and a massive bow made up for the fact that her high-energy front walkovers were kind of spastic. The routine was messy and Kendall and Mackenzie didn’t exactly have dream chemistry, but they were cute and they won. This made up for Mackenzie’s tearful breakdown earlier which made me want to reach through my TV, grab little Mac and put her in my pocket to protect her from harm forever.

1. Nia is at the top of the pyramid!
I’ll admit, I’m not the biggest Nia fan. I think her dancing is usually just OK and her technique could use some work. I also passionately hate the “death drop” that everyone raves about. What is that? But did Nia go totally full-out at competition last week? Oh heck yeah she did. She deserved her spot at the top of the pyramid, and it was super-cute how all the other dancers were excited for her, including Maddie and Chloe. Nia’s a cute kid and I support her pyramid topping. Of course, landing that spot meant she was “team captain” and Abby later forced Nia to call Maddie telling her to get to practice against her mother’s wishes. That wasn’t awkward at all. Way to be the adult, Abs. Nia was a champion though, saying being team captain “means you correct your friends even if you don’t want to—you have to…I can get used to this.” Own it, young Nia. Own it.

What’d you think of this week’s episode of “Dance Moms?”
I say more dancing, less Mom stuff and please, someone get Abby Lee Miller a Xanax or something, because she has truly lost it. Also, the Candy Apples doing “My Hair Like This” will haunt me for at least three days. Please, no more knee-high patent leather boots on pre-teens. Or anyone. Ever. Vivi scares me.

That was a doozy. I’m exhausted.